Revenge of the Hamster

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Emma Tom Sux

What are the bets that Emma Tom has been attending the Margo Kingston School of Journalism (yeah the irony of the latter part of that sentence makes me laugh too).

Today’s incoherent rambling about the legendary Russ Meyer is as confusing as it is stupid.

If you’re like me, you will take Tom’s sole viable piece of advice and firmly turn the page.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

In yet another installment of 'When stupid journalists do stuff'....

On tonight's 60 Minutes, Richard Carlton opines the state of Africa.

Noble sentiment although Richo just can't pass up the chance to have a slug at the Iraqi war...

While billions of dollars have been spent fighting that war in Iraq, the world has all but ignored a catastrophe still unfolding in Africa right this very minute.

Last year, Australia gave approximately $61m to Africa alone. This does not include $62.3m in humanitarian aid (to be distributed to those most in need), and $90.6m to the UN to help facilitate aid programs.

Ignored a catastrophe? Hardly. Never mind. Lefties don't usually care for facts.

On a lighter note, Richard also apparently cries for the children. Rumour has it that he also cries when the wine runs out so I am unsure if him crying reflects true emotion or an absence of alcohol.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

An adventure on public transport...

So I'm on the train going into the city for a training course.

A man standing next to me says 'Do you like my pants?'

Yes, that's right.

'Do you like my pants?'

That is why I drive into work. Pants related conversations in the early morning is just plain obscene.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

I'll never learn...

In worrying news about the state of our nation’s youth, a post on the Australian Idol Message Board expresses a deep sense of loss, and high levels of stupidity, over the elimination of contestant, Amali Ward:

My friend had a baby 2 weeks ago and has named it Amali-u will never be forgotten
For a start, your friend’s baby ain’t gonna be thanking anyone in a few years time for this dubious little tribute. Naming your child after a reality tv show contestant? A LOSING reality tv show contestant? How utterly retarded.

Furthermore, where the hell is Child Protection when you need them? Why are they not putting an end to the insanity?

I really should stay away from tweenie inspired conversations. It just makes me crazy mad.

Monday, September 20, 2004

A time when men were men and women were spanked...

William Safire offers sound reasons as to why John Kerry is unable to stop:

a) resembling a caged hamster;

b) obsessive finger pointing at everyone;

c) touching John Edwards. Like, all the time; thereby

d) losing this election.

Says William:

Above all, win back the women. Bush has them believing that the fighting in Iraq is for the security of their families. Too many women can't get it through their heads that Iraq is just a distraction from the global terror war.

Goddamn women. We are, like, so stupid. If men were the only ones who could vote, then they could keep us stupid can’t-get-it-through-their-heads women out of politics, and back in the kitchen.

After all, female votes for Bush are just the result of us being ‘scared women’ says William, thereby further digging himself into a ‘I ain’t getting any nookie for the next 30 years after this article' quagmire. Scared or no scared.

Lucky for William, or unlucky depending on how you sway, is that Kerry likes the ladies. Alot.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Latho Bingo!

Are you bored with the Federal Election Campaign?

Tired of Margoid, Emma and Komrades?

Wish SOMEONE would give Phillip Adams a make-over?

From the same grumpy Hamster who brought you the Cone of Ignorance, I now present:

Latho Bingo
Posted by Hello

Playing is as easy as biffing a taxi driver. Everytime Biff uses one of the above phrases, cross it off. The first person to have all sayings crossed off is the winner!

And if you don't win, you can always bash your competitors Latho-style (instructions for king-hitting not included)

It couldn't be any easier.

But don't just take my word for it. Here is what others have said:

I was bored and horny. Then I discovered Latho Bingo. I’m still bored and horny. My Asian mail-order bride arrives tomorrow though so things are looking up!

James, 22, Computer Programmer

Where was this during The Great Debate? I could have won within 10 seconds!!

Spiffy the Dog, 22 months, likes skanky-ho girl dogs

Hi! I love your game. I play with my dogs after school. My mum makes sandwiches. Let’s go burn stuff.

Oliver, 5, has Attention Deficit Disorder

The UN sucks. Bring it on.

John Howard, 60, Hot Politician

Don't be a conga line of suckholes. Order your copy of Latho Bingo now!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Tales of a buxom French wench....

The French cop a lot. Deservedly so.

And before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, I myself am a quarter French, so at least 25% of what I am about to write is true.


Unless those whacky Zionists gets in my way and then I would estimate that 40% of what I write is true. I’m not sure and will have to refer to Margoid. She knows about these things.

But I digress.

The French, much like the New Zealanders, only with better food and hotter men, live in a self-imposed cocoon. Their economic and social policies are intentionally designed to allow them to potter along on the basis of minimum work, maximum foie gras, and an unhealthy obsession with Tina Arena.

The only time the French get rattled is when those other pesky European countries want, for example, a reduction in tariff protection. Then they get excited for a couple of weeks, work really hard till the heat dies down, and then go back to warming their baguettes on the furnace pipes and sleeping.

Sheltering them in this strange world is Chirac. Chirac has infinitely benefited from his people’s disinterest in all things ‘internationale’. By largely maintaining the status quo, he has placated an already drowsy population into a Rip Van Winkle-esque slumber.

My trips to France then have always been strange and arousing. Sure for the first two weeks I enjoy the drinking, eating, and flatulence. But then, it gets boring. Really boring. And farts should never be boring. No Siree Bob.

And why?

  • Anti-Americanism reigns supreme. This smacks of ingratitude, particularly when we all know that part of the reason the French can eat, drink and fart with impunity is because the US liberated their girly asses in WW2.
  • Their lazy acceptance of democracy means that, while they feel compelled to whinge about their ‘lot’, they are loathe to do anything about it. Hey, perhaps Emma Tom can go to France! For example, one of my lazy relatives spent a whole day bleating to me about the wrongs of the US presence in Iraq. ‘Cry me a river’ I said, at which point he gesticulated wildly, and then went to eat a baguette. A brief sojourn into conscience politics quickly forgotten.
  • They lack objective self-assessment capabilities. Point out to a Frenchman the ills of his country, and he will a) fixate you with a blank stare that suggests he does not know what you are talking about; and b) then offer you a glass of wine; and c) proceed to tell you why it’s all America’s fault.
  • And finally, despite their insular vision and aversion to anything remotely resembling action, they truly believe they are still a significant world power. The last Frenchman I recall with any clarity, besides Jacquey-boy, is Henri Leconte. That is not good. Although he was pretty hot and looked good in shorts.

I find myself viewing my French heritage with a mixture of shame and wry irony that a once defiant, and politically virulent, nation has become a great big butt pimple in the crack of humanity.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Hilaly talks, SMH wets itself to publish

Proof in today's SMH that they will print ANYTHING anti-Howard, regardless of how despicable and/or subjective the source.

Australian Mufti, Sheikh Taj el-Den Al-Hilaly, has put his 0.000002 cents worth in (even then, I'm being generous and rounding up) about the Jakarta bombing:

It's not in the interests of Australia for us to be in [President George] Bush's team because that team has expressed and proven its animosity to the world. The Bush team is known now to rely on deception and has goals that are not all open. He is leading a push for American imperialism and he doesn't care for Australian interests or those of any sovereign nation other than his own.

Naturally, what the SMH fails to do, as is often the case when it knows that its sources lack credibility, is provide any context around Hilaly's comments.

So I will.

His Story

Hilaly arrived in Australia in 1982 on a three-month tourist visa. He overstayed that visa (hey, he has something in common with that twat, Merlin!) but was then sponsored by the Federation of Islamic Councils for citizenship.

He now holds dual citizenship: Egyptian and Australia (hey, like Mamdouh Habib!)

After ranting upon those annoying Jews (see below), the Liberal Party demanded his visa be terminated and he be deported as soon as possible. And we're the bad guys apparently.

To their credit, the Labor government deferred his application for permanent residency. Hilaly then travelled to Canberra where he enjoyed a private meeting with Paul Keating and Leo McLeay. For his efforts, Senator Robert Ray deferred his application for a further year, on grounds of collusion.

It does make me wonder how an avowed anti-Semite and a man with such extreme views can get a private meeting with high ranking members of the Labor Party? I think it might have something to do with the importance of Muslim votes in the inner west and south east of Sydney that might have led to Keating courting Hilaly.

For whatever reason, Hilaly was granted permanent residency in Australia by Labor immigration Minister Gerry Hand. Hand was known to be a virulent member of the socialist left. Woo hoo! Democracy at work!

In 1999, he was accused, and found guilty of, smuggling antiquities. This was later over-turned.

His words

If Hilaly's predilection for getting himself into trouble, and being in the pockets of the Labor Party for all the wrong reasons, is not enough for you, let's hear from the man himself.

Earlier this year, at a Lebanese mosque, the unofficial leader of Australian Muslims said that the September 11 attacks against America was the :

God's work against oppressors

Nice guy. In other light-hearted comments...

Or if we ask the giant that fell: 'Who humiliated you?' Or if we ask the
president: 'Who made you cry?' God is the answer

true boy" was one who told his mother not to cry for him if he died. The boy who cried: "Oh mother, jihad has been imposed on me and I want to become a martyr [was a son of Islam]." The boy would cry to his mother: "Oh mother, I'm going with a stone in my hand to become a martyr.

But it's not just the US that Hilaly dislikes. Those dastardly Jews also get a smack around the head.

The Jews struggle with humanity is as old as history itself; the present continuing struggle with the Islam nation is a natural continuation of the Jews enmity towards the human race as a whole.

Judaism controls the world by…secret movements as the destructive doctrines and groups, such as communism, libertinism, Free Masons, Baha'ism, the Rotary clubs,the nationalistic and racist doctrines.

The Jews try to control the world through sex, then sexual perversion, then the promotion of espionage, traitory, and economic hording.

The most significant results has been the intifada of the stone children in the occupied land which intifada has thrown the Israeli and international plans into disarray…and concluded 'I ask Allah Almighty who has gathered here us here…to
liberate Palestine under a pure, clean, pious Islamic banner'.

Must be part of that Zionist conspiracy Margo's always yapping about.

What I think

For leftist readers of the SMH, Hilaly's comments will be vindication from a subject matter expert on how the Muslim world sees Australia.

For those of us who know better, his comments are just another in a long litany of nonsensical and vile agitating. We shall treat them as such.

Friday, September 10, 2004

The Cone of Ignorance

The Left is a joke and all things show it. I thought so before, but now I know it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you....

The Cone of Ignorance

You be the judge.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Leftie journo disses right-wing hottie

I can just imagine the world of Emma Tom.

Hours spent at trendy cafes drinking copious mocha-choco-lattes and tittering piteously at the working masses as they trudge to and from work.

An infallible belief that they have all the answers but are just too cool to do anything about it.

A sense of humour not unlike Mark Latham’s tax policy – misdirected and not funny. Bless her. She tries hard but she’s no Tim Blair.

A circle of acquaintances and friends who support social policies they will never see the results of because they all live in trendy city apartments and not in the ghettos where the results are evident at their appalling worst.

This week, Emma is at her patronizing best. Miranda Devine – that right-wing hottie second only to Ann Coulter in beauty in wit – has earned the ire of Tom.

In a radio debate, Tom ventured to defend Devine. Tom’s ‘slick, inner-urban chums’ were not impressed.

"What?" they bellowed with only a hint of insanity. "Does this mean you agree with that fascist shock-jock bitch who thinks that immature and predictable name-calling is an adequate refutation of opposing positions?"
Apparently, calling another human a ‘fascist shock-job bitch’ is mature ‘refutation of opposing positions’. Apparently. Tom is trying to be funny here. Again. Will she ever learn?

And then…

My friends then insisted they were all in favour of free speech – just as long as it wasn't available to Miranda Devine.
Can’t you just imagine these self-absorbed twats having this conversation, and thinking themselves so super-smart for their efforts.

Reading Emma Tom is an endless school excursion into the insanity of the left (complete with the need for sick bags), and their patronizing denigration of opposing views.

And it shows how the left, despite holding themselves up as paragons of journalistic integrity, are often the most culpable when it comes to immature insults.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Something about a pot and a kettle....

Has John Kerry been stealing from Margoid’s Whacky Phrase Book?

In latest John Kerry trash talking news, the courageous soldier called George W Bush’s convention speech “All hat, no cattle”.

Apparently, Kerry went ghetto to find a Texan phrase describing cowboys who talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk.

Kerry needs to be careful here. He has based his whole campaign upon his (dubious) integrity as a soldier. However, he is still yet to release his war records and 250+ Swift Boatmen are still hopping mad over his alleged fabrications regarding his service in Vietnam.

If he really is the hero he proclaims himself to be, let’s see those records.

If not, retreat good soldier lest you be tarnished with the same insult.